Autism parenting And Self-Care

Self Care.

It’s a phrase I’ve always rolled my eyes at a little bit.

To me it conjures images of spa days (which I personally find about as relaxing as a dentist waiting room), mysterious collagen products (do you drink it? inject it? smear it on toast?) and high-protein everything. Mostly it feels like another industry built around monetising how tired and insecure mothers are..

Sleep they say is an  essential part of self care. 

Sleep is an interesting concept. Before I was married, I believed sleep was something that happened every night. You lay down, close eyes and 8 hours later, you woke up refreshed . 

Then I was married, and discovered that sleep was actually more of a negotiation.

Sometimes a hostage situation.

Occassionally a myth.

 

And between my work and  child's diagnosis, I realised sleep is actually a totally optional lifestyle choice....😏.

But recently I attended a workshop on emotional regulation at work, and the clinical psychologist asked us a very simple question: Do you practice self care?

There was a long pause while a room full of mothers looked vaguely at the carpet.

Self care is hard as a parent. It’s harder as a mum. And if you’re a special needs mum it can feel almost impossible.

The biggest barrier is guilt. Closely followed by trust (which I’ve written about before).

Even when you try to do something enjoyable, your kid somehow finds a way to turn it into a group activity. Cooking? He might  interrupt every two minutes. Eating something delicious? He might want half of it. Reading something interesting? Suddenly everyone urgently needs you.

 It’s very hard to get into “the flow” of anything when someone is periodically saying ‘swing' and 'slime' over and over or keep asking for validation for every single breathe he takes..

Like many parents, my adult life mostly begins after my  child falls asleep (9 for my kiddo and 10 for my work)  . By that stage I’m so tired that the only content I’m capable of processing is something extremely dumb on Netflix. Re-runs of FRIENDS always tops the list. Quite often I just fall asleep scrolling the titles and coming to a decision.

And then the next day begins half an hour before the sun ..

Last year I noticed I was becoming so exhausted that I would snap at my child over very small things. I didn’t like that version of myself.

So this year,  I made a few changes.

10 minutes grocery apps became my best friends.

Sometimes I don’t clean.

Laundry became optional on most days.

I started asking for and even hiring help.

sometimes I just skip everything.

And now at every decision point — cook , clean , organise — I ask myself:

CWSIWS-

Can we survive If We skip This? We almost  certainly can, unless we are gearing up for zombie apocalypse.

So when the inevitable guilt creeps in, I remind myself:

I am a human being, not a human doing.

Also if anyone needs me tonight I will be practicing self care by eating munchies in peace while watching something extremely stupid on Netflix.

For my mental health.

And possibly for the safety of others...