Autism and parents at loggerheads

  Autism : Parents At Loggerheads

Today I  wanted to write a little bit about conflict resolution within special needs parenting. In the wild world of Autism, Parenting always seem like two persons having remote controls for a single television set. 

One is in  "denial" lane and other is in "Do it right away" avenue. It's like trying to navigate a maze blindfolded, and occasionally, we might step on each other toes (literally and metaphorically).

In my experience, conflict within families (and special needs families I feel have more ripe  ground for conflict) revolves around a few key issues :-

1. What to do about Child's Specific Behaviours.:- This may come down to different parenting styles (one partner is more strict, the other is laid back ) or it may be a difficult situation that you simply disagree on how to resolve. Sometimes especially with special needs children there is no good "solution" and you are trying to agree to what is the least bad one. Often you have trouble finding consistent method that everyone will implement.

2 .  Household Chores/leisures :-  The two most common complaints are that one partner is not doing their fair share and the reverse complaint that the other partner doesn't ask for help and if it is offered is unhappy with how it is done and starts nit picking.

3. Money Matters:- How to juggle work, groceries,equipment and therapies for our child ? This is given that often  special needs parents will have more expenses, less opportunity for paid employment, and less family support. Even if they do have family often they will simply be unable to take care of an older stronger child.

Mostly it all comes down to effective communication. Sometimes making a plan together

 ( for example a monthly budget, or a list of chores and apportioning them) is the way to help with making things fair. 

But the key factor to me is the underlying mindset. Whatever your conflict is about, it should never be about the apportionment of blame. You are a team and together you are solving a problem. There is no " household manager" parent in charge of children vs " helper " second tier parent whose opinion is somewhat less important.

 

You are doing a group project- a very complex, and a long term one. You are raising a child to be an independent, happy adult and meanwhile juggling to keep them and yourselves clean and fed and with a roof over your head. 

One thing that John Gottman always emphasizes in his books that has really stayed with me is that the root cause of most conflicts within couples has to do with an underlying dream that is being threatened. If we dig down and see what the threatened dream is and reveal that to the partner, often the argument can turn much heathier. 

A lot of the differences will never be resolved. For example may be Parent X had super strict  parents who smacked him at every chance and he is now strongly resolved to never even raise his voice on kids,  while parent Y values discipline as a necessary tool to raise a good human. Maybe Parent X has high hygiene standards and wants all bedsheets to change everyday while parent Y is more laid back ( in our case its me, Dust and I are old friends and get along wonderfully😁😁 )

 The key is the mindset of being on the same side of  the halfway Soccer line and honestly communicating those underlying dreams in a  respectful way to each other. A solution must be realistic and acceptable to both people. 

P.S. -Now since I am no kind of expert, nothing to be taken at face value.😃😃